ChoJin’s Quarter

In France, medical school is quite different than in USA. Anyone who graduated from high school can get in, but the first year is very competitive: you have exams wherein you are ranked, and at the end of the first year only the top 10% or so can make it through. In some way, instead of selecting people beforehand, everyone gets a chance. And it’s funny how everyone around me seems so sure I will make it through… but me.

I should be happy for this I guess, they believe in me, one could say, but I find it quite stressful in fact. I mean, if I fail, not only I would be devastated for myself, but I would also, apparently, disappoint my friends. I would feel that I was not up to their expectations.

It’s interesting how one always wants to be on the “other side”. A bad student, used to resigned parents, wishes they could have more faith in him, whereas a good one usually feels that everything he does is always “normal”, no matter how hard it is. It reminds me about this useless “diploma” you get at the end of middle school in France. When my sister got it, my parents made a big deal out of it. She got a nice motorized scooter for it, quite expensive, especially considering we could hardly pay for the food back then. 2 years later, I passed too, but without any fuzz. I went by myself to see the results. No motorized scooter or any kind of gift for me. It was as-if no one really cared. It was just normal that I passed and I can’t deny it hurt me very much.

Which is why, even though I know they don’t mean any harm, I can’t help but think about this stupid middle-school certificate when my friends tell me they are sure I will make it through. Truth is, I’m not sure and I’m not that confident. I guess I would wish they thought I could do it, without being sure I will make it. There is no motivation in being sure or knowing the future, and it’s just too much pressure to not be disappointed and disappoint others at the same time.

But I’m probably just being ingrate of having supportive friends.
Sorry